Trade Deadline Day

So it was trade deadline day for the NHL - otherwise (and more properly known) as Gary Bettman's Totallty Unfair Jim Hating League. The GBTUJHL. And a couple of hours into the day, when it looked like the Hamilton Phoenix Coyotes were going to stand pat and not make any trades, I had my communicatons "counsultants" burning up the phone lines to the media outlets all across Canada. Every sports writer, editor, bingo caller and broadcaster heard the same message:

"Can you believe what the NHL is doing to the team in Phoenix? They are supposed to be competing like any other team but with the NHL funding the show it is obvious they aren't allowing the team to make any trades. They are more concerned about the dollars than how the franchise competes, their ownership is a joke. Just a slap in the face of the so-called 'fans' there, that's what it is."

And, like the good minions and chattels they are, the cream of the Canadian sports media started working on righteous and indignant stories about the evil GBTUJHL and how they were making a mockery of the game.

Which made it a real pisser when that fuck Maloney turned out to be actually making trades to make the Coyotes better, and they started coming across the wire less than an hour later. What to do?

What do you think I did? I had my loyal minions get back on the phones and dial up each and every one of the hacks they had called earlier in the day:

"Can you believe what the NHL is doing to the team in Phoenix? They are supposed to be caring for this franchise and keeping the expenses to a minumum, but they let the team use NHL money to make all these trades. They are more concerned about their league image than the dollars, their ownership is a joke. Just a slap in the face of the so-called 'fans' there, that's what it is."

Now you might laugh. You might think that the sports media in Canada wouldn't be that pathetic and that eager to please. You might think one of them would call me out on this obvious two-faced bullshit.

And you, my friend, would be wrong. Newspapers and radio stations across the country parroted that second phone call, falling for it hook like and sinker, and completely ignored the contradictory first phone call, just like they were told to. Don't believe me? Do a search - you will not have to look very far before you start coming across some of the articles in question.

Any why are the august members of the Canadian sports media so eager to please me? So eager to be my sad little lackeys and dupes? Listen for yourself:



It's amazing what you can do with a few shitty phones with a Canadian flag decal and the words "This is our game" slapped on the back.

Honestly, this shit is just too easy.

Why We Don't Care About The "Tablet"

Stupid people keep bothering me at my speaking engagements. This is a pisser to begin with - I am not there to talk to common rabble or interact with you and your stupid employees and/or delegates, I am there to get my large fee, read a few quotes that I cribbed off the back of those Starbucks cups, and get the hell out. But it has been even more annoying lately because these people who seem to think I actually want to talk to them are also thinking that I care one way or the other about Apple's upcoming "tablet" dealie.

Listen up, stupids. I'll explain this once, and once only, and I will use small words and simple sentences so even people from Hamilton can understand it: We don't care about any wonderful product that Apple may or may not announce and that may or may not change the way people think about computing. It might be the greatest thing since sliced pizza, it might cure cancer ... we don't care. It won't affect our business one bit.

The key word in the previous paragraph is "think". We don't care about and we don't pander to people who think. We sell Blackberries to robots and drones - corporate morons who do and believe whatever they read in their glossy little copies of "Management Today" and "Technology Review" and whatever other magazines we keep on our payroll at any given time. A long time ago we realized that the easiest way to make a lot of money with not a lot of effort was to target bottom-of-the-barrel products directly at stupid people. Think of it as Jim's Law:

There are a lot more stupid people than smart ones, and they have just as much money.

Sure, the iPhone is awesome. Hell, I use one myself - it beats the fuck out of anything we make for virtually every single task. But stupid people can't figure that out for themselves, and as long as we continue to buy off writers and editors in the kinds of magazines that inept managers turn to as gospel, it will never ever matter. The magazines say "only the Blackberry can serve the email needs of the enterprise" and the kinds of morons who either have MBA or MCSE after their names repeat it like a mantra. Hell, "email needs of the enterprise" means absolutely nothing, and these dummies are too stupid to even see that. With all those lemmings out there buying our crap in droves, why should we spend dollar one on any sort of usability or performance or UI improvements? Our core audience and biggest market share can't tell the difference between "good" and "total crap" so why not just milk it?

It's like we are the Toronto Maple Leafs of technology. We sell dismal and outdated crap to stupid people, and they cheer us for it! Is there any wonder that I wanted a hockey team in Ontario?

Hell, even the Storm was a complete joke. Sure, it had a touch screen, but it still used the same crappy UI and the same crappy apps that we had all along. It only ever saw the light of day to get up some press when all anyone was reading was "iPhone this" and "iPhone that". We wanted ink and air time, but we never cared - and still don't care - if we even sold a dozen of the damn things. We just needed to get our names in the paper.

So am I worried about the Apple tablet/thingie/whatever? No, not in the least. My only worry about it is that I might not be able to get one for myself on the first day. And that I can't find a way to hide it when I am in public.