Sheep

"Baaa."

That is the sound my legion of "media relations" advisors hear when they get on the phone to the various newsrooms around Canada. Oh, the person picking up the phone at the other end may say something like "Globe and Mail, Shoalts speaking" or "Milton here" or "Kelly McPartland, may I help you?" but trust me, all my people hear is "baaaaa".

For those of you reading in Hamilton, where I know people aren't very bright, let me explain: "Baaa" is the sound a sheep makes. Meaning that most of the media in Canada are just like sheep. And sheep do whatever they are told, as long as you use small words.

Exhibit A: Earlier in the week we could have gotten burned by the fact that Fat Dickie Rodier - against my expressed orders - uses a Blackberry for confidential email. Everyone knows that Blackberry email is not secure. But no, Dickie has to go and use it, mostly because he can't stay inside at his workstation for five whole minutes without having to run out for yet another smoke. So he is out there the whole fucking day puffing away while he pecks away with those fat fingers of his and what happens? Not one, not two, but three email conversations get leaked out and it pretty much reveals me to be the arrogant, back-stabbing bully that I really am. But the chances of any of you actually reading about it (Hamilton people excepted, since I know none of you can read) in the Canadian media was pretty much zero. Except for one or two rogues at a couple of dirtbag papers (I'm looking at you, Toronto Star) everyone did what they were told and gave the story exactly zero coverage. No ink, no airtime, no nothing. Complete silence. Sweet.

Exhibit B: My PR flunkies sent out a release today wherein I get all huffy and bombastic about the fact that the NHL allows "criminals" into their ownership circle. And really, this is the height of arrogance on my part, since it is no secret that I am a criminal myself - last year the Ontario Securities Commission (a bunch of fucking buttinskys, let me tell you!) found me guilty on charges of stock and accounting fraud. They made me step down as co-CEO of the company and fined me a shitload of money. So you would think that any journalist worth his or her salt would call me out on that, including that fact in the story if they printed it at all. Well, guess what? Newsrooms across the country ran it literally word-for-word as we handed it to them, and never once - not once - added any mention about the fact that I am the ultimate pot calling the kettle black. A criminal calls a bunch of other guys criminals, and they all report it like Mother Teresa outing Adolf Hitler. I love it!

Now, the "criminal" thing, on it's own, is pretty much the worst of chickenshit wanna-be journalism. I mean, three minutes of research (twenty minutes for Hamilton people, since they are kind of slow) would have revealed me to be a compete and utter hypocrite. But the email thing - well, that is like fucking Christmas all over again. I mean, for any real journalist the contents of those emails would have been like a pork chop to a starving dog - but fortunately we are not talking about real journalists here. We are talking about idiots who buy into my whole "Captain Canada" act are willing to break pretty much every rule of fair and accurate reporting for a free Blackberry and a couple of t-shirts.

Damn I love this country!