About Hamilton

When I take the time to grace the unwashed masses with my Twitter feed I sometimes jokingly refer to the city of Hamilton as "Jimilton". I do this in jest, of course - it is a way to point out that the pathetic and desperate politicians there are so far up my ass that they will do anything I ask. If I pulled out my iPhone and called Mayor Fred right now and told him to rename the city as "Jimilton" he wouldn't just agree, he would probably grab the paint and run out there and change it himself just to bask in the joy of bending over backwards for me one more time.

That said, it is important to remember that I use "Jimilton" as a joke and as an example, and the absolute last thing I would want is to have that slimy little hole of a low-class city named after me. In fact, I would sue the bastards if they ever tried it, although that would probably be pointless since the place is a dump and has no money anyway.

Really, if you have never been to Hamilton then you have no idea what a hole it really is. Smelly, uneducated, low-class people, wandering around their ditchy streets, moaning about how they used to have jobs, and wondering if this week is welfare week or not (most of them are too stupid to figure out how to use a calendar). These are people who live from welfare cheque to welfare cheque, and when the money does come in they spend it on the essentials like beer and bingo and smokes and cable TV, and if there is anything left after that they might splurge on some luxuries like clothes or food for the kids.

I know what I am talking about here - my wife's parents are from the disgusting place, and we have to go down there every couple of weeks for a "duty dinner" and believe me, you just want to burn your clothes when you are done. Imagine grubby naked kids playing with rocks in the street while Dad is passed out on the porch from his three cans of cheap beer ("Make 'er a Laker, it's a buck a beer!") and Mom is out puffing her head off at bingo and you get the idea. Maybe add a pit bull or two for colour, and a gut-shot 17-year old minivan on blocks in back yard, and the picture is complete.

Filthy fucking low-class people, every one of them.

So why do I keep going on about putting my NHL team in Hamilton? Simple - despite the million or so faults, Hamilton has two things that make it perfect for someone like me:

1. An arena that they will let me use for free.
   
2. Really, really stupid citizens and politicians who are too thick to realize that I only want to use their free arena for a couple of years until I can fuck off to Kitchener-Waterloo once my real arena is built.

As far as number 2 goes, you wouldn't think that there could be people that stupid. I mean, the lease agreement that I demanded they give to me specifically says that I can leave at any time, with no notice, and no penalty. You would think that would be a big ol' warning sign for anyone with a brain, but these idiots can't put two and two together and come up with a number even remotely close to four. The morons on city council and especially their sad little brain-dead mayor are so blinded by the idea that they will get some free tickets to see the Maple Leafs on the three or four occasions that they come to town that they are willing to do anything to please me. Even better, they are willing to pump millions of tax dollars into fixing up the arena so I can have a properly luxurious suite where I can hide from them during the two years I have put up with their infestation.

Sometimes I actually have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Free arena, free renovations and upgrades, and a city full of gullible saps that would say "thank you" if I shit in their hats.

It's heaven.